Simple

So I am happy. I had a rough couple weeks but I am feeling better! I had some awesome conversations with some friends. Work is going great. I feel like I have me back.

People in my life are still not doing great but I am learning how to deal with them while also taking care of myself. I am being selfish in a good way and loving life! I cant wait to go home to the island and see some fantastic friends of mine (Katie and hopefully Alyssa) and have some fun! I also am excited about going into Vancouver in a couple weeks with Jackie! I had a great chat with Daniel and we are doing well as friends!

I know this sounds like a kindergarten wrote it... but its simple and right now I like simple!

I'm Confused

So right now I am so confused... life is going okay.  Everyone is safe and sound.  Tara was missing for a couple days last week which scared me but I think I am distancing myself from this stuff slowly.  

On Thursday night I broke up with my boyfriend which was terrifying.... I drank in preparation so that I would get my words out.  I hated it... I came up with so many points but all were met with what I deem to be valid reasons (I use reasons instead of excuses because I feel like thats what they are).  Now I don't know if breaking up is the answer or if I should just take some time and see if we can work on these issues.  That is kind of my struggle right now.... what do I do.  I am in such a strange spot and I don't know if it is possible to move out of this space while being in a relationship.  But do I sacrifice what I want right now (this boy) so that I might be able to work on this.  Or do I work on the issues in the relationship that are hindering my development and then work on myself. 

I am confused but I am also growing confidence that I can do what I need to do.  I do have the strength, I do have the confidence and I am able.  I know that I don't need a boy I never have but I want this one.  

I know all of this but I need to grow into being able to believe it again.  

So right now... I am reading the shack (a book I started a month ago and still have not been able to get through), sitting on my best friends bed, covered in vicks vapour rub, and contemplating what to do next.  I have had some awesome encouragement from friends and right now in this moment I am happy.

Just me...

So in these past two weeks a lot has happened. Tara (my sister) has left treatment and has decided to work on things with her husband and work it out through counselling, meetings, and what she had learned thus far. I dont know how best to support her but I am trusting that this is the best decision for her and am choosing to have faith that she can make it through!

In other life things are going alright.

I have no idea what the hell I want to do, who I am or whats next... but what else is new. I asked for some info from Trinity and realized that at this point in my life I would not feel right attending that kind of institution. Instead I have been looking at Seattle Pacific and think that program would be a better fit for me. I don’t feel like I can be a good Christian anymore… even if I want to be I dont think that I can right now. I am not a hypocrite so I dont want to pretend to be anything I am not.

I don’t know what I want because I cant feel satisfied with the person I am nor can I go back to the person I used to be. I know right now this is who I am… I am Traci in transition. I just want a change and I don’t know what that will look like. By the world’s standards there is nothing wrong with the way I live but I just don’t think its me… I feel like I am either coming out of my shell or changing who I am. I cant decide what I want to do.... I dont want to revert back but I also dont know what moving forward looks like. I am not the typical “Christian girl” but I am also not the typical “non-Christian girl”. I am too "nice" to be one and not "nice" enough to be the other. I know that there is more to these stereotypes and no one fits perfectly into either mold (they dont even really exist) I just have no idea which one is more like me or who I want to be.

I feel like I cant be myself even if I knew who that was. There is so much truth to the idea that unless you know who you are you can’t be in a relationship. I know that in my past relationships I have been attracted to two completely different types of guy. And that’s why I am so frustrated I don't know which I want. I should probably go for one in the middle but I have never wanted to need anyone in that role anyways...

So the questions I am dealing with now are should I try and rely on God again? What if he leaves me? Or I feel abandoned? Should I change my lifestyle right now or embrace it and have fun? My current boy makes me feel amazing, he is great but I just don’t know if he can accept me as me? Are we too different? Can opposites attract?

This is probably a bit to honest but again thats always been a part of me! So there we go...

Oh I also have to say that I have the best friends ever. Ashley and Alan came out this weekend and we had a great visit and were able to catch up! Michelle is always fantastic and there to listen. Dave is my constant and consistent voice of reason. He helps things make sense and puts life into prospective. Amber is my phone love! We talk all the time in crisis and out of crisis.... shes amazing! There are so many more of you... Jackie, Megan, Maddie, Jacky, Nicole, Katie, Caity, Alyssa.... and so many more! Thanks guys I love you!

Happy :) and working on it

So I am really starting to feel better! I reached out to my friends talked to my family and now I know more than ever how loved I am. Last week my mom and I had a fantastic talk and I feel so much better. I have opened up with some of my friends and really feel supported. I know that I am at a point of transitioning but I am realizing that that is ok.

For now my family is doing alright... hanging in there. And I know it is not my place nor is it my duty to carry them. I have started praying again and my prayers and thoughts are with them everyday.
My friends know enough about my life to support me. I know they love me no matter what!
And through whatever happens I also know that God is with me and loves me even in my transition.

Last weekend my mom gave me a little inspiration type thing... called "Follow Your Destiny Wherever It Leads You".

It says....

There comes a time in your life when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at this point forever. You realize that if you fall and stay down, life will pass you by.
Life's circumstances are not always what you might wish them to be. You may at times be led in directions that you never imagined, dreamed, or designed. Yet if you had never put any effort into choosing a path or attempting your dream, then perhaps you would have no direction at all.
Rather than wondering about or questioning the direction your life has taken, accept the fact that there is a path before you now. Shake off the "why's" and "what if's" and rid yourself of confusion.
Whatever was- is in the past. Whatever is- is what's important. The past is a brief reflection. The future is yet to be realized. Today is here.
Walk your path one step at a time- with courage, faith, and determination. Keep your head up, and cast your dreams to the starts. Soon a path that you never imagined will become the most comfortable direction for you to follow.
Keep your bleief in yourself and walk into your new journey. You will find it magnificent, spectacular, and beyond your wildest imaginings. - Vicki Silvers

I'm back...

So after a full four months even to the day I am back on blogger. These last four months have probably been the most eventful four months of my life. I have gone to hell and back... my faith has been dragged though the mud and I am to the point where I dont even know where I stand anymore. BUT... I am beginning to have hope once again. I am beginning to see God again and rejoice in his power. Don't get me wrong I can't sing about the way he helps us in times of trouble... but I have never lost faith in his supremacy. I lost the ability to hear God this summer... or at least I thought I did. In my darkest hour I could not find Him. I know now it is because I was not looking for Him in the right places but it still hurt. I cant stop loving Him though...

This summer I had some spectacular times... I had lots of nights of fun! Comforting new friends when their boyfriends broke their heart, dancing many nights away, feeling super sexy on the dance floor, tripping over my own feet, suntanning, getting paid to spend time with my favorite kind of teenagers... it was A*M*A*Z*I*N*G!! But in that I fell away from God, my family fell apart, and my friends were far away. I was decietful and honest, depressed and overjoyed, lonely but surrounded. It was a weird summer full of firsts and lasts. So at the end of August after many different plans I ended up moving back to Abbotsford (my home). I moved back to my family and things are going well. I am definately different then I was four months ago and I am facing new issues but I have a group of people that I know love me so it makes it so much easier!

I am going to try and post more often on this now... I dont think anyone I know will be reading it but it will be here. Thanks for all of you who have helped me survive the summer you know who you are :) LOTS OF LOVE!

Support

So things are going better now... I feel like I am heading in the right direction. Can I just say how much I love and value my friends. They are always such a supportive and caring group. I LOVE THEM! Nicole sent me a message today just sending a hug and checking in. Those are the kind of friends I have!

Yesterday I had to work at Hillside and then Tillicum. It was a little ridiculous... I left Sooke (I spend the night at Dave's, also a huge support) and then got to work at 1010. Worked until 215, took a bus to Tillicum @ 235, had lunch waited around until 515 when I started again, worked until 915, caught a bus at 940, walked home and finally made it to my door at 1030ish. SO LONG! I dont know how people do split shifts and stuff like that all the time. I was so exhausted by the end of the day.

Anyways today I only work 1015-545 so I am excited. I hope the sun stays out for when I get home :)

Todays a better day!

You know when you have those horrible days. When it seems like nothing can make it better and you just feel like crap. Well I had one of those days on Saturday. I would be hard pressed to pick a worse feeling but then the next day it was even worse. Its like the nightmare just continues until the day when you finally find some peace. Well the peace came today. I woke up this morning and decided that I was going to make the choice to get better.

I had a friend say, "head up, shoulders back" and thats what I did! Today was the calm after the storm. I had another friend comfort me by just saying "Traci I love you". I had another call to take back some bad crap and try and renew a friendship. I had a lot of forgiveness happen today. I forgave myself, I forgave my ex, I forgave the random men in my life. Today was a better day!