Just me...

So in these past two weeks a lot has happened. Tara (my sister) has left treatment and has decided to work on things with her husband and work it out through counselling, meetings, and what she had learned thus far. I dont know how best to support her but I am trusting that this is the best decision for her and am choosing to have faith that she can make it through!

In other life things are going alright.

I have no idea what the hell I want to do, who I am or whats next... but what else is new. I asked for some info from Trinity and realized that at this point in my life I would not feel right attending that kind of institution. Instead I have been looking at Seattle Pacific and think that program would be a better fit for me. I don’t feel like I can be a good Christian anymore… even if I want to be I dont think that I can right now. I am not a hypocrite so I dont want to pretend to be anything I am not.

I don’t know what I want because I cant feel satisfied with the person I am nor can I go back to the person I used to be. I know right now this is who I am… I am Traci in transition. I just want a change and I don’t know what that will look like. By the world’s standards there is nothing wrong with the way I live but I just don’t think its me… I feel like I am either coming out of my shell or changing who I am. I cant decide what I want to do.... I dont want to revert back but I also dont know what moving forward looks like. I am not the typical “Christian girl” but I am also not the typical “non-Christian girl”. I am too "nice" to be one and not "nice" enough to be the other. I know that there is more to these stereotypes and no one fits perfectly into either mold (they dont even really exist) I just have no idea which one is more like me or who I want to be.

I feel like I cant be myself even if I knew who that was. There is so much truth to the idea that unless you know who you are you can’t be in a relationship. I know that in my past relationships I have been attracted to two completely different types of guy. And that’s why I am so frustrated I don't know which I want. I should probably go for one in the middle but I have never wanted to need anyone in that role anyways...

So the questions I am dealing with now are should I try and rely on God again? What if he leaves me? Or I feel abandoned? Should I change my lifestyle right now or embrace it and have fun? My current boy makes me feel amazing, he is great but I just don’t know if he can accept me as me? Are we too different? Can opposites attract?

This is probably a bit to honest but again thats always been a part of me! So there we go...

Oh I also have to say that I have the best friends ever. Ashley and Alan came out this weekend and we had a great visit and were able to catch up! Michelle is always fantastic and there to listen. Dave is my constant and consistent voice of reason. He helps things make sense and puts life into prospective. Amber is my phone love! We talk all the time in crisis and out of crisis.... shes amazing! There are so many more of you... Jackie, Megan, Maddie, Jacky, Nicole, Katie, Caity, Alyssa.... and so many more! Thanks guys I love you!