Random Rants

Simple

2008-11-27T20:41:00.000-08:00

So I am happy. I had a rough couple weeks but I am feeling better! I had some awesome conversations with some friends. Work is going great. I feel like I have me back.

People in my life are still not doing great but I am learning how to deal with them while also taking care of myself. I am being selfish in a good way and loving life! I cant wait to go home to the island and see some fantastic friends of mine (Katie and hopefully Alyssa) and have some fun! I also am excited about going into Vancouver in a couple weeks with Jackie! I had a great chat with Daniel and we are doing well as friends!

I know this sounds like a kindergarten wrote it... but its simple and right now I like simple!

I'm Confused

2008-11-15T14:45:00.000-08:00

So right now I am so confused... life is going okay. Everyone is safe and sound. Tara was missing for a couple days last week which scared me but I think I am distancing myself from this stuff slowly.

On Thursday night I broke up with my boyfriend which was terrifying.... I drank in preparation so that I would get my words out. I hated it... I came up with so many points but all were met with what I deem to be valid reasons (I use reasons instead of excuses because I feel like thats what they are). Now I don't know if breaking up is the answer or if I should just take some time and see if we can work on these issues. That is kind of my struggle right now.... what do I do. I am in such a strange spot and I don't know if it is possible to move out of this space while being in a relationship. But do I sacrifice what I want right now (this boy) so that I might be able to work on this. Or do I work on the issues in the relationship that are hindering my development and then work on myself.

I am confused but I am also growing confidence that I can do what I need to do. I do have the strength, I do have the confidence and I am able. I know that I don't need a boy I never have but I want this one.

I know all of this but I need to grow into being able to believe it again.

So right now... I am reading the shack (a book I started a month ago and still have not been able to get through), sitting on my best friends bed, covered in vicks vapour rub, and contemplating what to do next. I have had some awesome encouragement from friends and right now in this moment I am happy.

Just me...

2008-10-27T19:22:00.000-07:00

So in these past two weeks a lot has happened. Tara (my sister) has left treatment and has decided to work on things with her husband and work it out through counselling, meetings, and what she had learned thus far. I dont know how best to support her but I am trusting that this is the best decision for her and am choosing to have faith that she can make it through!

In other life things are going alright.

I have no idea what the hell I want to do, who I am or whats next... but what else is new. I asked for some info from Trinity and realized that at this point in my life I would not feel right attending that kind of institution. Instead I have been looking at Seattle Pacific and think that program would be a better fit for me. I don’t feel like I can be a good Christian anymore… even if I want to be I dont think that I can right now. I am not a hypocrite so I dont want to pretend to be anything I am not.

I don’t know what I want because I cant feel satisfied with the person I am nor can I go back to the person I used to be. I know right now this is who I am… I am Traci in transition. I just want a change and I don’t know what that will look like. By the world’s standards there is nothing wrong with the way I live but I just don’t think its me… I feel like I am either coming out of my shell or changing who I am. I cant decide what I want to do.... I dont want to revert back but I also dont know what moving forward looks like. I am not the typical “Christian girl” but I am also not the typical “non-Christian girl”. I am too "nice" to be one and not "nice" enough to be the other. I know that there is more to these stereotypes and no one fits perfectly into either mold (they dont even really exist) I just have no idea which one is more like me or who I want to be.

I feel like I cant be myself even if I knew who that was. There is so much truth to the idea that unless you know who you are you can’t be in a relationship. I know that in my past relationships I have been attracted to two completely different types of guy. And that’s why I am so frustrated I don't know which I want. I should probably go for one in the middle but I have never wanted to need anyone in that role anyways...

So the questions I am dealing with now are should I try and rely on God again? What if he leaves me? Or I feel abandoned? Should I change my lifestyle right now or embrace it and have fun? My current boy makes me feel amazing, he is great but I just don’t know if he can accept me as me? Are we too different? Can opposites attract?

This is probably a bit to honest but again thats always been a part of me! So there we go...

Oh I also have to say that I have the best friends ever. Ashley and Alan came out this weekend and we had a great visit and were able to catch up! Michelle is always fantastic and there to listen. Dave is my constant and consistent voice of reason. He helps things make sense and puts life into prospective. Amber is my phone love! We talk all the time in crisis and out of crisis.... shes amazing! There are so many more of you... Jackie, Megan, Maddie, Jacky, Nicole, Katie, Caity, Alyssa.... and so many more! Thanks guys I love you!

Happy :) and working on it

2008-10-13T15:50:00.000-07:00

So I am really starting to feel better! I reached out to my friends talked to my family and now I know more than ever how loved I am. Last week my mom and I had a fantastic talk and I feel so much better. I have opened up with some of my friends and really feel supported. I know that I am at a point of transitioning but I am realizing that that is ok.

For now my family is doing alright... hanging in there. And I know it is not my place nor is it my duty to carry them. I have started praying again and my prayers and thoughts are with them everyday.
My friends know enough about my life to support me. I know they love me no matter what!
And through whatever happens I also know that God is with me and loves me even in my transition.

Last weekend my mom gave me a little inspiration type thing... called "Follow Your Destiny Wherever It Leads You".

It says....

There comes a time in your life when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at this point forever. You realize that if you fall and stay down, life will pass you by.
Life's circumstances are not always what you might wish them to be. You may at times be led in directions that you never imagined, dreamed, or designed. Yet if you had never put any effort into choosing a path or attempting your dream, then perhaps you would have no direction at all.
Rather than wondering about or questioning the direction your life has taken, accept the fact that there is a path before you now. Shake off the "why's" and "what if's" and rid yourself of confusion.
Whatever was- is in the past. Whatever is- is what's important. The past is a brief reflection. The future is yet to be realized. Today is here.
Walk your path one step at a time- with courage, faith, and determination. Keep your head up, and cast your dreams to the starts. Soon a path that you never imagined will become the most comfortable direction for you to follow.
Keep your bleief in yourself and walk into your new journey. You will find it magnificent, spectacular, and beyond your wildest imaginings. - Vicki Silvers

I'm back...

2008-09-24T16:24:00.000-07:00

So after a full four months even to the day I am back on blogger. These last four months have probably been the most eventful four months of my life. I have gone to hell and back... my faith has been dragged though the mud and I am to the point where I dont even know where I stand anymore. BUT... I am beginning to have hope once again. I am beginning to see God again and rejoice in his power. Don't get me wrong I can't sing about the way he helps us in times of trouble... but I have never lost faith in his supremacy. I lost the ability to hear God this summer... or at least I thought I did. In my darkest hour I could not find Him. I know now it is because I was not looking for Him in the right places but it still hurt. I cant stop loving Him though...

This summer I had some spectacular times... I had lots of nights of fun! Comforting new friends when their boyfriends broke their heart, dancing many nights away, feeling super sexy on the dance floor, tripping over my own feet, suntanning, getting paid to spend time with my favorite kind of teenagers... it was A*M*A*Z*I*N*G!! But in that I fell away from God, my family fell apart, and my friends were far away. I was decietful and honest, depressed and overjoyed, lonely but surrounded. It was a weird summer full of firsts and lasts. So at the end of August after many different plans I ended up moving back to Abbotsford (my home). I moved back to my family and things are going well. I am definately different then I was four months ago and I am facing new issues but I have a group of people that I know love me so it makes it so much easier!

I am going to try and post more often on this now... I dont think anyone I know will be reading it but it will be here. Thanks for all of you who have helped me survive the summer you know who you are :) LOTS OF LOVE!

Support

2008-05-23T07:49:00.001-07:00

So things are going better now... I feel like I am heading in the right direction. Can I just say how much I love and value my friends. They are always such a supportive and caring group. I LOVE THEM! Nicole sent me a message today just sending a hug and checking in. Those are the kind of friends I have!

Yesterday I had to work at Hillside and then Tillicum. It was a little ridiculous... I left Sooke (I spend the night at Dave's, also a huge support) and then got to work at 1010. Worked until 215, took a bus to Tillicum @ 235, had lunch waited around until 515 when I started again, worked until 915, caught a bus at 940, walked home and finally made it to my door at 1030ish. SO LONG! I dont know how people do split shifts and stuff like that all the time. I was so exhausted by the end of the day.

Anyways today I only work 1015-545 so I am excited. I hope the sun stays out for when I get home :)

Todays a better day!

2008-05-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

You know when you have those horrible days. When it seems like nothing can make it better and you just feel like crap. Well I had one of those days on Saturday. I would be hard pressed to pick a worse feeling but then the next day it was even worse. Its like the nightmare just continues until the day when you finally find some peace. Well the peace came today. I woke up this morning and decided that I was going to make the choice to get better.

I had a friend say, "head up, shoulders back" and thats what I did! Today was the calm after the storm. I had another friend comfort me by just saying "Traci I love you". I had another call to take back some bad crap and try and renew a friendship. I had a lot of forgiveness happen today. I forgave myself, I forgave my ex, I forgave the random men in my life. Today was a better day!

Moved in

2008-05-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

So I have officially moved into my new house today. I have some amazing roommates yet again. We are different but I think it will be an awesome year! I am living in Victoria which I love :)

I have always wanted to live here but I didn't expect to love it this much. Everything is so close. I have applied for quite a few jobs. I found an amazing one today so hopefully something comes of it. Other than that not much is new with me. I have been thinking about what I want this new chapter to look like and I am getting excited about it. There's nothing better than a fresh start and I feel like that is exactly what I have.

So I guess we will see what that looks like but I am getting excited about it!

A true inspiration... I will miss you!

2008-05-01T23:37:00.000-07:00

I am so tired but I cant sleep. Today I got back from an amazing vacation with my family. I should be rested and relaxed but instead my head hurts, I cant talk and I am in shock. While I was gone I not only missed the Starfield concert in Abbotsford (thank God) but also missed the opportunity to say goodbye to a loving and compassionate mentor in my life, John Schmidt.

John died on Sunday. If I think about John what comes to mind is a man who knew how to trust. He knew the one and only living God to be strong and mighty to save. He had assurance of his salvation and was not afraid to stand up for his faith. He was SURE of God and served Him with his whole heart. John Schmidt was an excellent teacher and mentor. He blessed my life through his compassion and desire to see growth. He did simply let you sit idle but challenged you to grow. He was passionate.

John taught me to listen to God. His teaching helped me to understand that God not only wants to hear from us but also wants to communicate to us. He was there when I found my "safe place", he helped me to walk through darkness, and lay down burdens. It was his teaching that allowed me to understand the power of forgiveness. At the beginning of my time with John he shared Psalm 37 with me and I have carried it ever since. The words of that psalm are written on my heart.

John has changed my life forever. He touched my heart and I am so thankful to have been blessed enough to know him. I know that he is running around with Jesus, praising and glorifying His name in heaven just as he did on earth.

I hope that everyone has people in their life like John. It is these people that God uses as instruments in life. People who truly follow God through loving people as they are and encouraging them to grow into who He wants them to be.

Thanks John. I will miss you.

WARNING- Possible GonG SHoW!

2008-04-15T10:56:00.000-07:00

I am finally finished!!! I am done and its the weirdest feeling. After four years and over thirty courses I am finished all of my school work and going to be one to the next chapter! This past week has probably been one of the most up and down weeks of my life. I feel so mentally unstable. I have been dealing with doubts about what I want to do with my life, what I should want out of my relationships and how that all is possible.

I have been a gong-show!!! My roomates and I actually made a sign for our door that says "Warning, Possible Gong Show, Enter at your own risk".
I love my roomates. I never thought that I would connect with them this well. Nicole Kroeker is one of my roomates she is getting married in Decemeber. It has been really cool to see her relationship with her fiance grow over these last eight months. She inspires me because almost everyday she wakes up with pain and in spite of that she is able to make it through. We dont necessarily see eye to eye on everything but I know that she respects my opinion and in turn I respect hers. She is amazing. My other roomate is Amber Hodgekiss. She is a beautiful person. I have connected with her more than I have with Nicole but mostly thats just because we are a similar space. We can feed of one another. I would not consider myself to be a crazy person but when we are together we can have a lot of fun together. She pushes me outside my comfort zone and blesses me with the way she communicates. I feel like she really hears me when I talk to her and her attitude and opinions are always helpful. She doesnt just speak to say something but communicates carefully. I LOVE THEM BOTH!

My neighbours and community this year is phenomenal! THe boys next door have become my brothers. They are all such great guys. This week I had a little bit of tension between Dave and myself. There were some things that we needed to talk about and I was scared to bring them up. I love our relationship and when things come up in a friendship there is always the risk of them harming that relationship. But once again we worked them out. I feel like our relationship is a deep blessing. I have never had a friend that I could communicate with as well. His friendship blesses my life and I dont know what I would do without him. I would have been lost this year had I not had his listening ear and kind heart.

OTher than the sadness of leaving these relationships I have been struggling with the question of "what now?" I am so mixed up and all over the place that May seems like its in a different time continum or something. And as much as I am excited for the change I am also terrified of what comes next. At church on Sunday we had this women share her story and it just crushed me. I love FreshWind for just that reason! I am scared for the ups and downs in life but like her I know that wherever I go and whatever I do I have God by my side!!!

Why a Christian Imagination?

2008-04-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

So I wrote this paper for my class and it made me think a lot... So I figured I'd post it because it was part of the reason I didn't post anything these last couple days.

Some might argue that to have a “Christian” imagination is to limit the creativity available to the mind. The imagination is a porthole to other worlds; it is a gift that allows one to frame their own reality. So what would one gain from having a Christian worldview? If the imagination is simply the “creative faculty of the mind” why do people feel the need to put an adjective in front of it? Why a “Christian” imagination?
The imagination is an integral part of who we are as created people. As Christians we believe that we were formed by a Creator, who brought us to life through His power and imagination. Our existence is a result of our Maker’s hand. Our life both in the present and into eternity is a gift given by God that enables us to experience living both for ourselves and for Him. Madeline L’Engle in her book Walking on Water, discusses this in reference to time. She says,
“In kairos (time) we become what we are called to be as human beings, co-creators with God, touching on the wonder of creation. This calling should not be limited to artists—or saints—but it is a fearful calling”.

We are to be active participants. We can trust in God because of the faith that we hold in our hearts and the testament of His power in creation.
Faith is a gift that is dependent on the imagination to work. The classic definition of faith in the Bible is “being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” (Heb. 11:1). To do this takes the God-given ability of imagination. If we cannot see what we are hoping for, we will not be able to be certain of it. Prayer is another example of using this kind of faith. When we come to God with requests, we have faith that He is listening to us. When we ask for a response from Him and receive words or images that align with His Spirit and word we trust that our imagination is being used. We open our minds up to connect with Him and take the pictures we receive as personal and directed messages. When we practice listening prayer for someone else we are hearing from God on behalf of another. We are that person’s intercessor and our imagination is a key component to that act of service.
Through our mental ability we are connecting with God. We are opening up an area of our life that is often only reached by the secular and making it a sacred place. We are breaking down the streams of Gnostic thought and dualism and uniting them in an act of surrender and worship to God. By using our imaginations in a way that glorifies God or in away that reflects his original intention is worship. In our society our thoughts are often twisted into images or ideas that reflect our fallen nature. For men and women in our society topics like sex and eroticism have been cheapened into dirty and lustful fantasies. Something that was once created to be beautiful has been morphed and our imaginations have been used and abused as mere tools in the process. God calls us to be good stewards of creation and that includes our minds. We have a unique ability to take others perspectives and create beauty and God will judge us the way we used this gift (Mt. 25:14-30; 1 Tim. 4:1-5).
The Christian bubble can be scared of the imagination when it carries a strong message. People are scared of the expression of art because they don’t want to see the despair and pain that is present both in and out of the Christian community. For the visual artist creating a painting or picture gives them an outlet to express what is happening within them when words can’t quite articulate what they need to communicate. For a musician a song or notes on an instrument can give life to the conflict within. If the problem can’t be verbalized in words it might be able to be expressed in the pitches and tones of a song. Art teams with the imagination to give life to the battle within. In the Christian world this might seem scary because for so long the battle didn’t seem to exist. This does not mean that all art is an expression of sadness but traditionally emotion was bottled up inside and dealt with internally if at all.
The imagination can be a bridge between what we are experiencing and what others are going through. It gives us the ability to empathize with someone. For example if we have never experienced loosing a parent we can still walk with someone who has if we allow ourselves to imagine what it would be like. Some people are more gifted then others at this but through God’s example we can see the importance of walking with people. If we are to follow the greatest commandment we will need to use our imaginations. “Love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices” (Mk. 12:33). To do this we need to be able to understand ourselves and imagine where our neighbor is coming from and how best to support them.
To have a Christian imagination is to combine our epistemology and our ontology. We need to tie what we know with who we are. If we know that Christ is Lord, and we are created to imagine then the two need to be connected. We cannot live with the dichotomy between faith and creativity or life and religion the two need to be directly tied in our life. We are not Gnostics and our goal is not to separate every aspect of life into two categories. We need to live in the middle with our thoughts about art, life, and God informing and influencing the way we spend each day.

Coming to a point of being ok...

2008-04-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am on my way to being ready to leave this place. I have had such an amazing time at CBC and I definately never thought that I would be this ready to be done but I am. Last night I had to stand in front of a class of people and explain a painting I had created. The painting I showed reflected a lot of dark times in my life and I feel like standing in front of that room of people was a major turning point. I was able to be vulnerable and read poetry. I was able to stand firm and speak out.

It is cool to see those times of growth in yourself. I can see who I was four years ago and its so different than who I am now. I have come to a point of being okay. OF being able to stand up for what I want in life as me (just as I am). I am proud of the growth I have made and the way I have journeyed and that is giving me a sense of closure. I am getting ready to make the next step and I am okay with that.

One week of classes left :0

2008-04-03T14:23:00.000-07:00

One week... I don't really know how I feel about that. We have sixteen days until we graduate which I am both excited and scared out of my mind for. I am excited to be in a new place, with new people and new adventures but at the same time I like my place, my people and the adventures I have here.
I am SO tired. I cant really make sense of much. This isnt good because I have 5 papers left and one huge project. I am at the end but I feel like I cant see the future because I have so much in between me and the end. Hopefully in a few days things will look a lot clearer.

Concentration... hahaha funny.

2008-04-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

So I really cant concentrate right now. I NEED to do homework but it just isn't happening. I dont quite know to keep focus because I have checked out!

I have been thinking a lot lately about relationships. In my friendships I feel like I am very rich. I have a lot of amazing friends that I feel really blessed by. My community this year has been remarkable. I feel like in some ways I have two apartments: mine and the one next door. I have four brothers living next to me. They are really different with extremely different personalities and life stories but they are all great in their own way. David Iwai is my favorite he has been one of my best friends this year. I feel like he has truly become part of my life and that he will be in for a long while yet. He is a great brother!

With romantic relationships this year I feel like I had a lot to get over before I would really be able to consider this again. I am ready now but I am not in a hurry. As much as I want that I really just want to concentrate on figuring my life out. I would love to work my plans around someone but I feel like unless I do what I want I will be constantly thinking about what I could be doing... that probably doesn't make sense but what can you do.

Okay now its got to be paper time...

Paper + Little Sleep + Coffee + Drama = Gong Show

2008-03-30T22:46:00.000-07:00

So I think that this title is going to characterize my life for the next two weeks. Its crunch time. I am in the middle of working on the biggest paper of my college career and I am close to the end. I am on page... 22. While this is happening my stomach is turning because I have had a weird combo of food and I am waiting for a friend to come home. I am peeing every fifteen minutes because of the caffiene and water surging through my system. So strange.

In my paper I am discussing things like church perspectives on homosexuality, the substitutionary atonement and the diety of Christ. All of which don't really matter that much. Yes some matter more than others but it kind of makes me think about the importance of all the knowledge I have obtained. I want to see the importance in knowing the implications of the following assertation: Satan was defeated by Christ’s death and resurrection (Col. 2:14-15; Heb. 2:14-15; 1 Cor. 15:54-57) and Christ’s final triumph is certain (Rev. 21-22). Really what does this really matter? Why do I need to know it? Does it really change the way I view God?

It just doesn't matter. Don't get me wrong I am glad that I know what I know. I do believe that all knowledge is beneficial but I am just trying to figure out what importance that has for anything else. I guess I will figure it out sooner or later but for now I just need to write this paper and then we can tackle the "importance of knowledge" later.

Tired

2008-03-28T18:13:00.000-07:00

I am so tired today... not just head tired but body exhausted. I went to bed at 330 this morning and woke up at 1030. So I still got seven hours. I just haven't been able to concentrate. I am in such a strange mood. I wrote a paper before lunch, then had a nice cuddle session with one of my roommates Amber. She is amazing!!! Then I went tanning with Michelle also fabulous. Came home and painted with another great friend Julie. SO really I shouldn't feel like I do but I just cant concentrate. My head is all fussy and I am just so done. I am done with school but I still have so many papers left. I wish I could just be finished right now.

I hate getting to this place. I want to enjoy this last little bit of time that I have with these amazing friends, with these amazing roommates but I feel like I am pushing them away. Another friend of mine Ashley does this. She pushes people away when she knows she is leaving because it makes the actual act of leaving easier. I don't want to do that. But right now I don't know how else I can deal with this. How else I can manage having to say goodbye to so many people. Whatever, I don't have to deal with this right now. .. I still have 22 more days :)

Decisions...

2008-03-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

What do you want to do with your life? Who do you want to live with? Where do you want to live? What steps do you want to take to get there? I am tired of all these questions. I am excited about seeing how things play out with life. Seeing where God takes me and what plans he has for me.

I want to submit to the authority of God. Allowing Him to mold and shape me but I also want to feel His direction. I defiantly believe that as we move through life we are presented with opportunities and it is up to us to live in obedience as we make our decisions. Throughout our life we cannot sit and wait for God to speak without acting but sometimes we need to be patient.

I know that while I desire to see "God's will" for me I can be scared to wait on God because I want to control my own life. I am scared of deciding what I want and then being discouraged by others or by God. I am scared that when I make a decision I won't be able to stick to it... that when I go into a situation with a perspective that it will get shot down or manipulated. My goal at this moment is to be confident, and try and believe at this moment that I am a strong woman of God!

Scared...

2008-03-25T17:49:00.000-07:00

So today in counseling issues Anita presented on Counselor self care. We had to take this test that measured three areas of our life and how that could be connected with our potential problems in the future. The first measured our level of satisfaction with the job and how that would be connected to our compassion I had good potential. The second measured the risk of burnout and I had a really low risk. The third area really scared me... it measured the amount of fatigue as a result of compassion and is associated with PTSD and I was an extremely high risk. This is something that I have been scared about for awhile but I feel like I don't really know what to do with it.
I am scared that I am heading in the wrong direction or that this is going to be super hard for me and I will be unprepared for whats coming. I am lost and I don't know what I should be doing to help myself.

Torn...

2008-03-24T23:37:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am being torn between five different sides of myself. I have the part that really wants to find a deeper relationship with God; the part that's yearning to see more of Him and truly connect with him on some intimate level. Then there is the part of me that wants to throw so much of what I am striving for away and just give up because it feels like nothing is happening the way I want it to. Really whats different about this situation compared to all the others that I have been in lately... really whats different!!!

Long time...

2008-03-23T09:43:00.001-07:00

SO it seems like I just cant get motivated to write on this blog. I am just running around completely confused and frustrated and instead of blogging it out or journaling I hope that these things will just go away. So this is my goal. We shall see if I fail or not but regardless the goal is to write on this blog five days a week until I graduate on April 19th. Will I a make it? I guess I will see.

All I can say right now

2008-02-21T13:40:00.000-08:00

So I was doing my last paper before reading week today and this song came on my roommates computer. I wasn't really in this mood today but over the last couple months I definatly have felt this way. It is cool with songs that no matter how your feeling they can either really encourage you. This encouraged me because I see where I have come from. I love my God and how no matter where I am at he will walk with me. He values my honesty and loves it when I come to his feet.

All I can say right now By David Crowder
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

Illusion...

2008-02-12T22:48:00.000-08:00

A mosaic, hundreds of little pieces broken and shattered
to form something beautiful.

Each piece tells a story,
a part of something greater.
They are all connected but also independent of one another.

A joyful magenta forms the clothing of the portrait person.
A covering for her heart,
for her body,
for her soul.

A muted yellow for her perfect curls,
the ringlets frame her face,
thats strained to form that "natural smile"

On the outside she's a gorgeous Barbie doll,
made up of beautiful pieces; shards of emeralds for her eyes,
perfect peach pieces for her skin.
Beautiful.

No one sees the darkness that lies within.
The hurt that serges in her heart,
the devastation that lines her face.

The shards and broken pieces get ignored,
while the "beautiful Barbie girl" is embraced.

What does this say to us? What does this say to me. I feel like I am like the Barbie doll. I don't see myself as beautiful but I do feel the conflict between who I am and who I feel like I want to be. I want to be that girl. I don't want to deal with all the hurt, the lies and the crap thats filled my life. I just hope that in wading through the muck I will find someone who embraces me for me. That the broken and the beautiful will be loved. That both will be acknowledged and embraced. I want the fairy tale with me as me. Don't make me be the barbie.

Boys...

2008-02-11T22:49:00.000-08:00

I hate them and love them at the same time. They toy with our minds and make us crazy. When you think you have the right one, you are actually friends with the right one and you are only blinded by the one that you actually think to be the one. They suck. They can mess up a perfectly good friendship, get in the way of a great move whether it be financially, educationally, or something else entirely.

They screw with your mind. One day all they want is to be your friend, letting go of all romantic interest and the next they don't want to be just friends and your given an ultimatum. They want you until they cant have you anymore. They feed you with words of comfort and concern and then they trample on you. They never know exactly what they want until its gone.

I wish that I didn't like them. That I could just stop being attracted to them (especially the ones that have already proven to be jerks). I want to hate them SO much but I cant. I can separate myself from them. I can decide to not take it anymore, delete all the pictures, trash all of the mementos, and through away all of stuff thats attached to them but the memories still remain.

I hate it. It's sad that I feel so done with boys but at the same time all I want is another boy. Maybe its just the bitterness or the frustration thats making me feel this way but all I want is a guy to hold. I don't really want just any boy. I want one who I can really trust, one who I will want to walk with, and spend time with. One who will make me feel special and one who I can care for. I am done with boys now. I want a man, a solid man who wants to be wanted. A steady man who longs to be longed for, who loves to be loved!

I am not someone to be taken for granted. I am not someone's sure thing. I am a strong woman. I deserve someone who will take a stand for me. Who won't shy away when things get tough but will stand firm and fight. I deserve a man not some pesky little boy!

Birthday... ...

2008-01-31T19:14:00.000-08:00

So I turned twenty-two today! Hooray! Its crazy. My friends are so cute I had a great day with them. Two days ago they actually surprised me with a cake, yesterday we all went out for dinner and had a great time. Tonight we are all hanging out, watching a movie, and drinking
Sangria! I am excited.

I feel so old but so young at the same time. I am dreading thirty but also wanting it to come because I know with age brings stability. I want stability so bad. I am longing to get to the point in life were things seem to make sense again, where there is a sense of purpose and life. When you are living life for someone, not just for yourself.

Today in counselling we talked about how tomorrow would look if it was "perfect". What would be a great day, what would be a "dream day". I was so surprised at what I said. I imagined waking up and going to the art museum. Walking hand in hand with my boyfriend as we strolled through the city, curling up in his arms because of the cold breeze. Then we come home meet with some other friends (who love him). Then we curl up in a hot tub (making ourselves quite cozy). Only to cuddle until we both fall asleep. Thats all I want. How is those so much to ask, shouldn't this be simple. I am beginning to realize how complicated this actually is. What once was simple is no longer.

Lost...

2008-01-22T23:35:00.000-08:00

I am lost, trying to step up, get ahead of the game, and find myself. Where did I go? I dont know. All I know is that I am frusturated and upset and angry. I have peace but I feel unrest. I dont even make sense to myself.

I found out today that one of my friends is honestly considering something that I never thought that they would. Something that is SO not what I expected but also something I should have seen coming. This friend is changing. Or am I changing? I know that I am growing, but to where that growth is headed I am not always sure... but I am thinking that it is towards God. I am thinking that it is on my own path or one that doesnt get travelled too often. I am thinking that its one that needs some direction but I am not yet at a place where I want to pull over. Do you know what I mean? Do you understand?

I feel lost but I am not sure if I am searching for a way out. I dont know what I would do if I knew where I was headed. I dont know what I do if I saw the destination. Would it make me more assured? Make me have more faith in God? Or would it make me question all the more? Would it make me even less confident in this journey?

Who knows. All I know is that right now I dont want to be found? I want to be free to be lost but assured of a safe destination. Then these new struggles wouldnt be so hard. Then when a friend comes to you with unthinkable ideas you can still have peace. Then when life doesnt make sense and you want to give up you can have hope, have faith.

Oh God I hope that you are journeying with me because I dont want to be lost alone!

Hungry...

2008-01-20T19:22:00.001-08:00

So I have been fasting for six days now. I started on Monday and I finish next Sunday so I am at the half way point and boy am I hungry. I wasnt really sure why I was doing this orignally but I think I have decided that it is to understand how hard it is to concentrate when you are starving. I have so much reading to do but all I can concentrate on is my stomach and how hungry I am.

I just got back from Seattle a couple of hours ago. It was beautiful. We had such a great time.

It was a weird experience for me though. The last time I was there I was walking hand in hand with my boyfriend and now a couple of months later we (my ex and I) are just starting to build our frienship up again. Oh relationships are hard, they cause a lot of grief but I know we learn a lot from them. Anyways on track again... Seattle was amazing. I think I could definatley live in the city right now. In the distant future I know its not somewhere I would like to be but for now I could definatley do it.

Anyways I am going to go try and do some homework and then eat my alloted rice and beans! YUMMY! hahaha

Future...

2008-01-08T23:39:00.000-08:00

So I have been thinking about life after grad a lot lately. What am I supposed to be doing... what direction should I head in? Often christians talk about "Gods Call" and they just seek "Gods will" but really what does that mean? I believe that we are called to live our lifes in a way that lines up with Gods laws and directions. That is God's will for all of us; to live life for him. Thats something that I am constantly struggling to do. Something I am constantly struggling towards but never truly succeeding in. What does that say about me?

There are some things that I know:
I have been created by God. I know that is something deeply engrained in the very make up of my body. Something that I can never walk away from or honestly refute. It is a fact. A constant in a world of inconsistencies; A solid foundation that I want to propel my life.

I will constantly struggle to obey God. My relationship with God can always be described as a roller coaster ride. An up and down all over the place adventure that goes into the deep darkness and then up into the light. I constantly struggle to life in obediance and though to most I seem to have it all together I am consistently fighting to "do the right thing". Whether it is struggling to stay on the line of sobriety or servitude. I struggle.

I am broken. I have been through a lot so far in my life and though it can always be compared to others who have experienced worse I have had my share of turmoil. I will be twenty-two at the end of this month but I already know a lot... I know the effects of infidelity on a marriage, I know the hurt that abuse can cause, I know what its like to loose a family member, I know how it is to think your in love, I know the struggle of depression and the fight against food, I know how much more I will know later in life.

So I also know that I have gone in a big circle but in the middle of these mixed up all over the place feelings I am thinking about what I want to do. What do I want to try and do given all I know and all I struggle with. Should I run away and go nanny somewhere far off in the world with the risk of loneliness? Should I sail the seas on a cruise ship with the party squad? Should I stay on the island with the "safe" job? What should I do?

I ALMOST wish that God would give me a set "call", or reveal his perfectly scheduled and planned "will" for my life. But then I guess it wouldnt really be easier I would just be trying to find the answer to a different question! If not what... why or if not why... how? when? with whom?

So I guess thats the end of my first blog entry. I dont really expect anyone to read this... I havent really told anyone about it (well besides my roommates :). I just figure if i'm going to write why not write so people can see it. Then you kind of feel like your talking to someone without actually having to put them through what might be a really random conversation. Besides its often easier to really express yourself when no ones looking!!!